“And I’ll testify of the battles you’ve won, how you were my portion when there wasn’t enough. And I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed, the waters you’ve parted, the waves that I’ve walked. Singing, oh-oh-oh, MY GOD DID NOT FAIL.”The Story I’ll Tell, Maverick City Music
As promised, I am back and ready to reveal a little more. I have found myself doing a lot of reflecting lately because the year is almost over and I have really just learned so much over the last 12 months. I have grown exponentially from who I was on this very day, 1 year ago. That woman was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained…fighting through life day in and day out. That woman was trying so hard to walk away from a life that wasn’t meant for her, but had felt she was rooted in too deep to let go. She had no drive, no ambition, and no self-worth. I am proud of who I see now when I look in the mirror because that woman no longer exists. Today, I see strength. Strength that said goodbye to a life that was dragging me under. Strength that admitted how wrong I was and how many lies I had told to myself and others about the happiness I supposedly had, but I truly never felt. And strength that chose to put myself first. I see grace. Grace that the Lord bestowed upon me for my many, many mistakes. Grace for myself in allowing grief to come and go without wrath for those who had done me wrong. Grace that allowed me to forgive myself for all the choices I made out of pain. Of all the things I see, though, the most favorite thing I see…is a future. I no longer wish that my life would be over. I have hope and pure joy. I have ambition, dreams, and drive. I have excitement for all the things to come, because the Lord is so faithful and keeps His promises.
There is a song that I recently found and it has resonated with me on such a level. It really is the story of the past few years of my life and I am finally in a place where I can look back on all that I have been through and visibly see His hand on it all. In every moment of brokenness and defeat, He was there. When my mind shut Him out, He was there. When I felt I was walking alone in the lowest of valleys…He was there, walking alongside of me. It is amazing what can happen in a years time when you sit back and walk in obedience.
Earlier this year, I was in the midst of a great trial in life. I was fighting from every corner and had very little hope. I attended a church service we were having where a guest speaker was coming. I had heard this woman speak on multiple occasions, so I was excited to go. The night started out with incredible worship and I tried my hardest to press in and focus on the moment instead of the pain that was roaring on the inside. After worship, the woman started giving prophetic words to several people. I cannot tell you how desperately I needed a word in that moment. I didn’t care what the word was but I needed some validation and assurance that the Lord could see where I was and He wasn’t just leaving me out there to walk alone. The night went on and I just sat there, listening to word after word…patiently waiting and hoping she had something for me. Closer to the end of the night, my best friend Megan basically shoved me to the altar. She knew how bad I had been hurting and how I badly I needed something. The woman approached me, and the moment she looked at me, the tears were uncontrollable and I could feel the heaviness leave. Having known nothing about the trials I had been through, she spoke on two issues: my infertility and my husband to come. She told me to have no fear, because I would have natural children until my heart was content…and she told me my husband was on the way. Not only did she say he was on the way, but she said I had never met him before and that he would be here by years end.
It’s hard to give someone a word with a timeline. You have to have some confidence in your ability to hear from the Lord on that. So, I took the word and continued to cry and made a decision in that moment that I was going to dedicate my time to working on myself and working through a lot of the trauma I had experienced. I didn’t want to carry over pain and hurt into my future and wanted to be fully ready for when the time came for my husband. So that’s what I have been doing all year long. I had to get comfortable in the loneliness and really bask in who I was. It was uncomfortable and painful to be that raw with myself and really examine the person I had become. Loneliness is a place I have feared and I have made most of my mistakes out of being alone. I have attempted to settle for things/people that were not for me out of sheer panic that I was never going to find someone. Out of the un-comfortableness, though, came restoration and healing. I became comfortable with who I was and found love for myself. I was able to meet my own happiness needs and plan a future for myself. Sure, I still have flaws…about a million to be exact, but I am in a place of the purest joy and happiness with who I am as a person and I have never been more confident in who I am and what I was created to do.
Of course, the enemy never likes it when we are succeeding and when he knows you are hanging on to a word…he fights that much harder. This brings me to the month of October. October was a month for the dang birds, man. All of my feelings of insecurity and dependence on other people came flooding back in. Things from my past continuously tried to inch their way back in. I found myself crying and feeling broken and so confused and making choices that I had long given up. At the time I could not figure it out. I knew I was walking in the will of the Lord so why was the world crashing down. Looking back now, and knowing where I am in this moment, it all makes sense. I was about to walk into something that I never seen coming and the enemy was fighting it from every corner. So, where is all of this leading to? Well, that’s a story for another day… see ya next week!
To those who are waiting,
Waiting is hard. It is the hardest season to be in when you are holding out and believing for the fulfillment of a word or promise. I have learned to embrace the waiting period. It is in these moments where strength and endurance in the Lord is forged. I encourage you today to stay steadfast and hold onto your promise like it is all that is keeping you alive. For some of you, that promise could be all you have left. But He is a faithful Father who NEVER lacks in coming through. One day you will look back and see that the wait was worth it. I am praying for you, friend. I am believing with you that you are strong enough to withstand the storm because His promises are true and His word never fails.
With love, Chris.