Here am I, folks, three weeks in a row, look at me go. Truth be told, blogging is my outlet when I am needing to work through different things that I am dealing with because writing allows me to process through it all. I love coming and sharing my story with you all and allowing you to take a look into my life and see all of the things that have shaped who am I. I have always felt the need to put a brave face on and face the world as if I am not affected by anything that I have experienced. I have always felt the need to be strong. I know I have spoke in the past about the person I became after my divorce, I could not handle the emotions of losing my kids and my husband so I shut it off and did not allow myself to feel anything. I was so numb to the world. Here I am again, nearly three years later and I am finding myself slowly sinking back into the person I was then. I have promised to always be real when I write because I know I am not the only person in the world who is experiencing the things I have been experiencing so I always hope that my posts bring you comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. I hope my lessons can be your lessons. I hope my strength brings you strength.
You know, as I write “three years” it seems like such a short amount of time, but in reality I feel like I have lived another entire life since then. Three years truly feels like a life time ago. I gained a lot in the last few years but I have learned even more. One thing has not changed though, and that is my heart and the love I have for others. It’s my heart and love for others that brings me right back to the place I am in right now. When I love, I love deeply and wholeheartedly. I don’t give up easily and I will push through the hard times that relationships often have. I am committed to the very core. My heart does not know how to let go. But, I am having to learn to let go. That’s why shutting off my emotions is my go-to coping skill, or more of a survival skill I suppose.
I am trying to be different. I am not allowing myself to shut it off this time. I am forcing myself to feel every emotion, no matter how painful it is. I am forcing myself to face my fears and truly process it all this time. It is so not pretty and has not been easy. It has been 29 days since the new year began and since my life changed…and I can tell you I have spent 29 days crying. I have spent 29 days completely breaking on the inside and fighting to keep myself together. I tell myself it will be okay and that it will get easier but I don’t know if I believe it or even see it yet. How do you let go of something you love so much and want so badly? How do you let go of all that you thought your future would be? How do you just let go when your heart is screaming to hold on? Facing these emotions this time around has been the hardest thing I have gone through in my life. It’s different this time. It hurts in a totally different way.
I finally broke down and texted my friend today and told her I had been lying to her about how I had been doing. You see…I am great at hiding it. She had no idea and was so upset with herself that she didn’t notice. I had to tell her though…I had to tell someone who could understand how hard this is for me. She sent me a song to listen to on Sunday and whether she knows it or not, it helped me in ways I cannot even explain. I have listened to it about 100 times since then because it is all I have right now to remind myself that I am not alone in this. The song talks about how the Lord is right there in trenches with me fighting this out when I am wanting to shut out feeling these emotions. I needed it and I am glad that while she did not know I was having such a hard time, that the Lord knew I needed that song.
I honestly just wanted to work this out with writing because my heart is shattered and I can’t seem to find the pieces to put it back together just yet. I am thankful for my friends and those who have listened to me cry over and over again and repeat myself a million times of all the things I am feeling. I am thankful for those I have around me who are encouraging me. I am thankful for those closest who see the possibilities of the future and remind me daily to keep pushing forward. Above all of that though, I am thankful for myself and for not running away this time. I am proud of myself for even attempting to face these emotions head on because it would be so much easier to avoid feeling anything.
Heartbreak is messy and it’s not easy. It is so hard to heal a broken heart when your whole world was wrapped up in this life and your future was planned around it. Heartbreak sucks if I am completely honest and I am hating it. I just want to fast forward to the part where I feel great already. I want to skip the healing process because it is uncomfortable and difficult and its disrupting my life. But that’s how it is right? We always want to skip the healing process and figure out what a quick fix would be to just move on to the good parts and “be all better”. But as much as it sucks, it is in the healing process where true character and identity are formed and it takes the messy and uncomfortable experiences that healing entails to truly come out on the other side a stronger and healthier person. It is in these refining moments where the Lord is doing some of his best work in my life because it teaches me something. It teaches me character and strength and it teaches me who to rely on when I am fighting to move forward. I don’t like it…I want to skip it…but it’s what’s necessary and I am really trying to see it through this time.
So, to you out there who is in this process of hurting and healing…embrace the feelings you are experiencing right now. Ask the Lord what He is teaching you and know that it is preparing you for something so much greater than your circumstances right now. I am right there with you working through this, so please know you are not alone. The Lord has a plan. Even when we do not feel it or believe it, He is there and He is fighting with you.
I was in certain danger, caught in the crossfire of hope and regret. Thought I could be my own savior, but I’m sinking, sinking fast. ‘Cause it’s too much to handle, alone in the battle, I’m desperate for You, Lord. Heart under fire, facing defeat. So close to surrender, to my enemies. But love came from heaven, to fight for me. When I am defenseless, You climb in the trenches, the trenches with me.Tauren Wells “Trenches”