You keep track of all of my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in a bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.Psalm 56:8, NLT
Hello readers…I know, I know…it’s been a while. I have been bogged down with graduate school, work, and yet another surgery. I am hopeful that this will be my last surgery related to my car accident. I am about two weeks post-op and everything seems to be going well so that is a positive. Anyways, I am just now entering my last quarter of graduate school and have been approved for graduation. Woohoo…. bring on March 7th. Random side note…graduation day is exactly one year from the date of my car accident. I sort of love the coincidence of it all. So yeah, you could say that all is going well over here in my world…only it does not feel that way. You know how most people experience some sort of mid-life crisis in which they do something drastic like buying some super expensive cars or change their entire appearance all because they feel they are getting old and have not accomplished what they hoped for? Yeah… that’s me right about now, only I am not all that old so its some form of a “late 20s crisis”. I have quickly learned that someone’s self-worth and life satisfaction comes from the things they value the most. So depending on the lens you use to look at your life, you are either super satisfied or super disappointed in how it’s going.
I am successful. I have worked very hard to reach the job satisfaction that I have. I absolutely love my job and love the company I work for. I feel my company has recognized my worth and have offered raises and promotions. The benefits are great. I am dedicated to the work and the company and hope that I can continue to find promotion and longevity. Most people spend a life time in careers that they really don’t enjoy, so I count it as a blessing to not only work in a field I love but also find so much satisfaction in what I do. Additionally, I am just 10 weeks away from earning a master’s degree. Staying diligent and dedicated in school has been a challenge but I have stuck with it and my hard work will be paying off in no time. I really do have it all in this department. Someone looking from the lens of finding their self-worth and life satisfaction from their vocational successes would say that I am extremely satisfied with my life right now.
I am a few weeks away from turning 28….man. It really is not that old, I understand that. However, it feels like I would have been so much farther along by now. I really did want more for myself. I get it though, look how successful I am in the career realm right? There is just this whole other lens to look through though. I am almost 28, I have been divorced for nearly 3 years, I am still not married again… I don’t own a home or have any kids…I don’t have…I don’t have…I don’t have. I am nearly 28 years old and I just don’t have all the things I had hoped I would have. I always envisioned myself married with at least 3 kids living in the cutest farmhouse. You see…career successes are not the lens by which I view my self-work or life satisfaction. Sure, I am proud of myself and my accomplishments but at the end of the day I am completely empty on the inside missing all of the things that I have spent my life measuring my own self-worth with.
It’s hard. It’s hard to see all of my friends I grew up with married and with children. I always envisioned my kids growing up with their kids but life just didn’t turn out that way. It’s hard to feel like I have nothing because my marriage didn’t work out and I am doing life on my own without a significant other. I am nearly 28, I should be married by now. I should have kids by now. I should have a home of my own by now. But I don’t…and I feel like the closer I get to 30 I just find myself in this internal crisis of not being happy with my life at all. Before you go and give your opinions of how marriage isn’t the only goal in life or “it will happen one day”… remember, this is my lens, not yours. You cannot tell me anything I have not heard a thousand times over.
It’s all about the lens you use to measure your life and my lens just isn’t showing the picture that I wish it was. I am trying to embrace the season I am in and learn from the current struggles I am facing. I’m really trying. I am so beyond ready for the tides to turn and finally get a win for myself. It is so hard to feel like nothing has worked out. It does not matter how much effort I put into things I want, they just don’t work and that’s a hard fact to accept. Thankfully, I am blessed with an incredible group of friends and the best family on the planet who offer more support than I could ever need. However, they can’t fix how I feel. They can’t change how difficult this season is. I don’t know where to go from here, but again, I’m trying.
It’s a new year though right? The cliche of the year is getting “20/20 vision” after all. I should be able to just “start over” and embrace the fresh beginning that seems to just magically happen when a new year begins, but I can’t. I can’t get myself out of this funk. I can’t measure my life from any other lens right now because career successes are not important to me. Sure, they are fantastic and I am blessed, but it’s just not what I am needing to feel satisfied in life. I am starting this “fresh start new year” literally back at square one and I am scared and feeling such a sense of disappointment. Its a miserable way to feel, but as I have said numerous times, I’m trying. I’m trying to feel happy and satisfied. I’m trying to have it all together and just learn to be in the moment and appreciate the lessons and direction that the Lord is leading me. I’m trying to just be okay.
Sorry to be super heavy, but I promise to always be raw in what’s going on in life. So if you find yourself looking through a lens at your life and it’s just not measuring up to what you hoped for, trust me I get it and I am right there with you. I don’t have all the answers for you but maybe one day I will. In the meantime, I encourage you to cling tight to your supporters and filter out the negative influences so you can truly build yourself up again. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it one day. The lens you and I are looking through just can’t see it yet.