Time and memories are such a funny thing. Time never stops. I think for me that is the hard part about all that I have lost over the past several years. I have been thinking a lot lately about my kids, I guess it is just the holidays approaching that stir up my memories and emotions. Man, I miss them. My memories of them are frozen solid in my mind and there is nothing I can do about it. They will never grow up and their personalities will never blossom…they are frozen. I try hard to keep their memory alive but I catch myself forgetting the small stuff and it is so frustrating because memories are all I have. I will never be able to look in my rear view mirror and see their smiling faces or hear their crazy songs and to be honest, that sucks!
J is frozen in time as the sassy little 5 year old who was so full of personality. She was my little helper and always wanted to be with me no matter what I was doing. She would put on my apron sometimes and I would sit her up on the counter top from time to time so she could help me cook. She loved that. J was obviously the oldest so she always had a tendency of being so motherly over the younger ones and felt it was her job to take care of them. It took her a long time to trust me to take care of the. My memories of her are all I have left. I can close my eyes and picture her running around the house and I can hear her sweet voice saying “mommy I go to school today” or “where’s bubby”. She had this funny way about her and was so nosey. I’m not going to lie, she was a handful, but I would give anything to sing those silly songs with her for the hundredth time and give her one more hug and kiss.
L, my lovely middle child. He is frozen in time as my stubborn and hard headed boy who knew every nerve to test and was not afraid to do so. He was special though. His most favorite thing on the planet was his crocodile (thanks Uncle J). He would sleep every night with his plush crocodile that his GiGi got him. My youngest nephew reminds me of L because of how much he can eat. L would eat you out of house and home. His famous words were “mommy, I hungy” (no “r” on purpose because he didn’t pronounce the “r”). He was so sweet though and always wanted to give love. He and I started the contest of who loved who more. Those words are the steadfast memory that I will NEVER forget. “Mommy, I love yyyyoooooouuuuuuu morrrrreeeeee”! No, my sweet baby boy, mommy loves you more.
R…man, my sweet baby girl. She is frozen in my mind as this feisty little girl who could give anyone a run for their money. She was so smart and hilarious. It was so much fun for me to watch her learn and grow. I can close my eyes right now and relive her taking her first steps. She was so proud of herself and once she took off she never stopped. She was fearless. R was so clingy and never wanted to go to sleep without me. At the time it was exhausting, but I would go back and do it all over again and hold onto her a little tighter.
Not a day goes by that I don’t take a moment to close my eyes and think back on different days of when I had them. I replay their voices, replay their hugs, and remind myself of how blessed I was to be a mommy to the most amazing kids on the planet. Even as I write this now, with tears streaming down my face, I feel blessed and feel joy. But I also feel sadness. My heat aches just the same and I torture myself with trying to grow them up in my head and imagine who they are now. It is agonizing to think that I will never know. I try to find comfort in knowing they are in the best place and they are thriving. I didn’t have enough time with them, I was robbed of that but I know I gave them as much love as humanly possible while I did have them.
I love my memories. I love that I can look at any room in the home and see their hand print throughout. I love that I can go outside and see their trampoline and close my eyes to remember the day they got it. I love that my nephews have some of their toys and that when I see my youngest nephew practicing walking with the elephant walker that I can think back to when R learned how to walk with it. I just love my kids. I miss my kids. I just have to find the strength to let go and just hold onto the memories. I pray I never lose them.