I sort of had an epiphany a while back while I was doing some self-reflection. I have always had this internal struggle of wanting to be in control of all situations that pertain to my life. I do not want to let anyone in and have any say so in the direction my life is headed. I will back lash and build up a wall if anyone tries to control what I do or if their decisions are going to impact my life in a way that does not line up with my vision. Unless you are my parents…in which case, I need your approval for decisions or else I mentally cannot make a decision (we will talk about that later)… Legit, I just want a cookie cutter life.
I am being for real…I want a normal 9-5 job and I want my husband to have the same. I want the life where we go to work everyday, come home, have dinner, spend time with friends/family, go to church. Ya know? Just the normal stuff. Dear Lord please do not come at me with these big extravagant dreams and plans that involve me to have to move anywhere or where life is unknown. I cannot handle it and I won’t even hear of it. I mean, I think I have the right to chose what will and will not be my future. I don’t know what is so hard to understand…I just want a cookie cutter life.
I have been told the majority of my life that I am different and unique. My dad always tells me that I am my own person and no one is quite like me. Um…that does not fit into my cookie cutter life. But then it occurred to me… I keep fighting myself on wanting this cookie cutter life but it goes against everything that I was created to be. I was not created to be and do the ordinary mundane things of life. I was created for something greater. I am just now only beginning to understand what my calling and purpose is and it is anything but cookie cutter.
So why do I fight it so much? I think it is because anything outside of a cookie cutter life is not safe and secure for me. It leaves me in a world of unknowns and causes me to have to trust in ways I have never experienced. It is uncomfortable and I DON’T LIKE IT! I am a woman, we want to feel secure…I need to feel secure. I am struggling with the fact that I don’t know how to let go or if I will ever be able to let go of my need for control. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to control other peoples lives, just my own. If you don’t fit into the cookie mold of my life then that is a problem for me. It sounds terrible, I know. Let me be clear… I hate being this way.
I did not grow up with a controlling mother. My parents are excellent examples of living out a marriage where the husband is the head of the house. They truly are the perfect team and they always empowered my brother and I into being strong adults. So when and how did I develop this habit of needing to control? I think it came from my first marriage, if I’m honest. I spent the majority of our marriage feeling as though he was not making wise choices for our family and he was always reaching for this higher goal for himself that ultimately ended up neglected me in the process. I felt like I had to take the reigns because he was running us into the ground and I needed to gain control. I felt so insecure and as though I had to look out for our situation or else we would not survive. After we divorced, I think I just took this learned behavior and realized that I needed to be in control of my life because my own husband didn’t protect me so why would anyone else? Now, I can’t seem to let it go. My experiences have made me create this mold for my life and if anything or anyone does not fit into the mold, then I want no part of it and it has no part in my future.
Here we are again, though, at this epiphany I had. I was not created for cookie cutter and I need to break this mold that I have created for myself. I need to embrace experiences and embrace people who don’t fit the normal mold I created. I need to accept that I am different and set apart and that I was created for something extraordinary. I need to embrace that my calling is greater than any mold that I could create and I need to stop putting my life in a box.
To those struggling with your calling,
I encourage you to self-reflect and pray. What is causing you to fight back against who you were created to be? What personal walls and boundaries have you set that I have pushed others away? I encourage you to ask God to reveal these things to you and pray for guidance on how to overcome these barriers. The Lord has extraordinary plans for you that are far from cookie cutter. Embrace it. Embrace who He has called you to be. I am there with fighting this battle against my self and my own thoughts. You can do it. I am praying for you, friend.