Hey everyone. I am having a bit of a difficult day and wanted to utilize the time to talk a bit. I was watching this show on TV and they were discussing poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which if you have been following my blog for any length of time then you would know I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16. I did not realize until tonight just how much I am emotionally triggered by even hearing people talk about PCOS. It is an absolutely horrible syndrome and I HATE IT! Just hearing them talk about it really stirred up a lot of emotions for me, if I am honest. I started becoming self-conscious about my weight and having a mind full of negative self thoughts. I have been working out at the gym three days a week for months now and I have not lost ANY weight. I know, I know…”muscle weighs more than fat”…but I can assure you, I have continued to gain fat. No amount of dieting has helped, because trust me, I have tried it all. I literally can eat anything and feel myself gain weight. Do you know how frustrating it is to work out consistently and try to do everything possible to lose weight and it not happen? Like seriously…I HATE the gym and not seeing progress is not helping with my motivation.
PCOS sucks. It messes with your mind so much because your hormones are all out of whack. I am trapped in a body that disgusts me to look at and even though I am doing all I can to make it better…nothing changes. Forget letting someone take photos of me. I cannot handle the emotional stress of seeing myself in photos with other people. I cannot look at myself with any positivity. I was recently out with a group and friends and they wanted to take a group photo. I was horrified when I seen myself in the photo next to these girls. It was awful. Truthful moment here…90% of the photos I post on social media of myself have been edited with photo-shop. How vain is that? I cannot even post a photo without altering the way I look in an effort to put out this persona that I am pretty and have it all together. I know I can’t be alone here?
When did I become so insecure that I need to filter the “Lauren” that the world see’s. Man…PCOS sucks. I am sorry to get so personal with you all and be sort of negative…but this is about as raw as I can be with you. Apart from the frustration of negative self-image…there is the infertility. That one cuts deep. I know I have talked a lot about my foster kids and how much I wanted to be a mother but I have almost dumped that dream right down the toilet. I think it’s easier to just act like you don’t want something in an effort to be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I know what the majority of you will say “the Lord has a plan”…trust me I believe it for sure, but it is a hard promise to hold onto because what if His plan is for me to only be a mom to children who are not my own? How do I process that? Will I ever be fully satisfied if that’s the case? It is hard as a woman to imagine that I will never be able to experience being pregnant or feeling a baby kick on the inside of me…or to just have life growing inside me. I don’t even know how to deal with that one. I try to be patient and be confident that one day it will happen…and I really pray it does.
PCOS sucks…end of story. So, tonight..I am choosing to no longer pity myself over this horrible disease. I am choosing not to lose hope that I will find a successful treatment. I am choosing to love myself through it. I’m not saying I will stop photo-shopping my photos but I will not be so hard on myself when I see myself next to other women in a photo. I am different and that is okay. Thanks for letting me vent tonight. I am sorry it was so heavy but whether you are dealing with PCOS or not, I think a lot of women struggle with negative self-image. We live in a social media inspired world where we consistently compare ourselves to the fake lives people post about on the internet (myself include in the fakeness)…and it is rough. Just know, you are not alone. I have to remind myself all the time that other people are experiencing what I am and we CAN shift our thinking. It just takes you being intentional with taking negative thoughts captive and speaking to yourself. You may not believe it at first…shoot, I don’t… but you can fake it til you make it.
It is time to take control of our own thoughts! We can do it!