After meeting Tyler and beginning our relationship my life really began to take a turn. I finally went back to work after being off for over a year from having two surgeries. I landed my dream job working with children who suffer from mental illness at an organization that I completely loved. Also, after much hesitation, I decided to jump back into graduate school and finish up my last few classes and finally obtain a master’s degree. My life finally felt like it was progressing because I was in a relationship with a man I loved and who truly adored me, I had my perfect job, and I was finishing school. I had it all, or so I thought, and I immersed myself into every second of everything I had going on. Truth be told though…I was busy. If I was not at work or doing school work, then I was with Tyler and I neglected my friendships and isolated myself from basically everyone because I had no time for anyone else. I planned my weeks to the max to make sure my work was completed, my homework was done, and I got in plenty of time with Tyler.
I was paddling a boat out to sea all by myself and the boat was full of everything I had going on in my life. Imagine a little dingy boat packed to max with school books, work caseload, a romantic relationship, family, friends, and the ins and outs of everyday life. Now, imagine that same packed down boat being paddled with one ore out on the high seas. I was trying to do life all alone and do what I felt was best for myself and my future and I neglected to even notice the hand that was reaching out for me to help me offload the weight of the world and offload my busyness. I neglected the Lord through it all. Why? Simply because I am a control freak and cannot ever seem to pass the ore to someone else to steer for me. I don’t trust so easily and I always think I know best for myself and I always think that if I am in control then things will pan out exactly the way that MY plan says they should. Anyone else a control freak, or is that just me? If I can be even more raw for a moment… I did not trust the Lord to guide my life because I had already tried that and ended up divorced and infertile…so, yeah. In my head, I clearly knew the direction my life needed to go and there was no stopping me.
Busyness is a plague. It will eat you alive and you don’t even notice because life is passing by so quickly. Days and months just flew by me and I would just continue to pack more and more into this little dingy boat that I used to control my life. I’m freaking super woman dude so I could handle it…go ahead and insert laugh here. I was a hot mess and my boat was springing leaks everywhere. I had no intentions of slowing down, though, because in my head school was the only thing keeping me so busy. I kept thinking, “well, when I graduate I will have so much more time”. I just believed the lies that I fed myself because I was committed to everything I was doing…often times to a fault. I continued pressing on with life and planning my future, even though I was completely exhausted. In the midst of the chaos, though, I had a lot of happy moments. One being in September of 2018 when Tyler surprised me with a proposal. I was in such awe of the beautiful ring he picked out and how he meticulously planned a proposal in the most perfect place. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to be engaged but planning a wedding was another thing to add to the boat and I had no idea that was I headed for even more rough waters.
In early 2019, I was nearing the end of all of my classes for graduate school, I changed positions within my company which increased my work responsibility…because why not?….wedding planning was somewhat in full swing, and my relationship with Tyler was in the midst of some tough times. On the inside, I felt like I was going to explode from just being so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I had nothing left to give because I was so tired from rowing through life alone. I was patching up holes left and right and just trying to stay afloat. Even though I felt I could not handle anything else, I did not slow down and continued to move forward with MY plans.
Have you ever been so focused on your own plans and making sure they are successful that you neglect taking care of yourself or even seeking out the Lord for His plans for you? Here I was thinking that busyness was my plague…but man…a controlling nature may truly be the plague I had been consumed with. I couldn’t loosen the grip of my own plans and prioritize my life at all. My mom knew that something was not right with me but I continued to put a fake smile on my face and tell her I was happy and that she had nothing to worry about. Mother’s just know though. The future I was planning was coming at me like a tidal wave and I was putting a brave face on and ready to paddle hard. I was not prepared for the abrupt stop that my life was about to come to, though, and I was about to be rescued from that boat whether I wanted to be or not. So, how did my life go from running a 100 miles an hour to a dead stop in a matter of moments? Well….as usual…stay tuned!
To the busy bee,
You are not alone and life passes by you faster than you realize. If you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and feeling as though you have not had a moment to catch your breath, then take this as a stop sign to take a breather and do some self-care. Reflect back on your life and your plans and prioritize what really is meant for you. Don’t miss out on moments, take time for yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for taking care of your self, and be sure to love yourself completely. I am here for you friend and I am praying for you. Slow down and enjoy life. Seek out the Lord’s plan for you because His plan is perfect and is beyond what we even plan for ourselves. Be blessed in your rest today.